When I was in kindergarten I had a color by numbers worksheet. I looked at it and was confused because it wanted me to color the sun orange and the fish yellow. Well, in my 5 year old mind I thought this was absolutely absurd- the sun is yellow and fish are orange. My creativity and OCD took over at that point and I colored the color-by-number “wrong” based on the directions, but right based on my human intuition. The teacher told me I was wrong and I didn’t get a big C for correct on my paper. I told all this to my therapist a couple weeks ago and she asked what message this memory taught me. I teared up a little bit realizing that I learned to do what people expected of me,and wanted of me, and not to do what was right to my own mind. And I took that message in my impressionable kindergarten mind and ran with it. I’m trying to teach myself how to unlearn that because it has become a real problem in my life. I’m so hard on myself. I care what everybody thinks. I do things with extreme caution because I can’t disappoint. It literally pains me to disappoint people. The only way I’ll be truly happy is by doing what I love and what’s right to me, but I’m having trouble telling myself it’s okay to do that. 

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